The Two of Me

You may have read previously that I do suffer from panic attacks and other mental wobbles.  I have been going through a phrase, running although helpful wasn’t getting to the bottom of the recent issue.

I feel like there are two of me, the face I put outwards, most times thats the pretend confident me, the one that supports others, cheers those other people on championing them, the smiles.  Then there is the hidden face, the one that is full of self confidence issues, judging myself, poor self talk.

The hidden me has been really busy recently, permeating my waking moments whether I am being active, whether I am at work or in my down time.  Work is ok, I am probably my most confident there anyway, I know what I am doing and how to do it so the doubt and fear get squashed back down.  Its the other times that it really pops up, like when at a meeting, at a race, in a gym class, out of my comfort zone, when I feel I am being attacked.

I recognised what was happening when I started to withdraw, I still want to withdraw as I do need time for myself and reflect but in doing so I feel that I could offend my friends, how can I explain to them what is happening to me?  I have been stung before when I tried to explain the situation to who I thought was a close friend only for them to twist it and it bit me firmly on the bum, after this I learned not to discuss how I felt with anyone, so how can I explain to my friends what I am feeling and what I need without offending?

I am trying to be mentally strong and carry on, exercise helps, good weather helps, having my family helps.  Recognising who is good and true is important, I cannot cope with a person who says the right thing but behind the scenes does something else, so knowing who to trust is essential.

I am trying to practice mindfulness to help, I certainly do not what to go back onto medication or those dark dark days.  I don’t want to to be all about me either, this pity party needs to end.

If anyone has any advice on what worked for them I would be grateful.





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